Draft of Great Candidacy Speech: To be be delivered somewhere really awesome and dramatic (but not too windy).
“As you already know, folks, I am really, really good at making America great again. Very good, frankly. In fact, I gotta say I am really quite great at making things really great in general. Even if they were already great, or maybe even if they are not so great. Really. OK? Just ask anybody. Ask Ivanka. Ask Melania. Ask any of my really great kids, or any of my super-great staff members, some of whom happen to be Mexican, frankly, and/or African-American, which is great, by the way. Where are they? Over there? There he is. They’re beautiful people, frankly. And they love me. They really love Donald Trump. OK? Just ask them how great I am — in my presence, obviously, as they are really shy, too shy, really, to talk to you in private. Just don’t waste your time speaking with any of my stupid ex-wives or stupid bimbo ex-girlfriends or idiotic ex-biz partners, or any of my incredibly stupid creditors. What do they know, the losers… Anyway, folks, I am declaring my great candidacy for President of the United States. Really. Now, who wants one of these great hats? I gotta million of ’em! Maybe more like 10 billion. They cost me like a buck apiece, which, frankly, I paid for outta my own pocket. OK? But so what? Nobody owns Trump. OK? It’s gonna be really unbelievably great. Truly fabulous. Believe me.”